While I like a drink at times (extra then than now, sigh), I’m conscious of my shortcomings. Being an anaemic author of weak prose, my private seat doesn’t have the requisite padding for the spontaneous reception of police lathis.
So, for the non-man’s man like myself, of whom there are a lot of, I’ve provide you with how one can expertise the advantages of liquor without having entry to any — utilizing the ideas of technique appearing and cognitive remedy.
If you’re a practitioner of yoga, this received’t work. But in case you like spirits, almost definitely, you received’t be one. Yoga and liquor, we all know, are like Arnab and Tharoor. Pick a YouTube video and soar proper into yoganidrasana or garbha pindasana. If you’re caught in a place the place your nostril is straight in step with one thing God by no means supposed, and it seems to be like you may be in that place until the arrival of achhe din, you’ve received. What you expertise for the subsequent three days will really feel like a hangover. You will hate life, promise your self you’ll by no means do it once more. Exactly like consuming.
Call up folks you shouldn’t be calling
Ring up an ex. Ring up your boss. In truth, put them on a convention name and herald your spouse. Let issues unfold spontaneously. Tell your ex why she made a mistake leaving you. And that you simply married your present spouse as a result of she makes higher kothu parotta. Tell your boss he deserves to be along with your ex as a result of they’re each ugly. Look your spouse straight within the eye and say ‘I’m not terrified of you’. You’ll remorse every part the subsequent morning. Exactly like consuming.
Show your experience
Call up your consuming buddies and converse at size about astrobiology. No, it isn’t what Swami Nithyananda majored in. It is the exploration of life exterior Earth and the investigation of the origin of life on Earth. But you possibly can say it’s studying biology whereas taking a look at Bejan Daruwallah’s predictions for 2020. Become an knowledgeable. On the intercourse lifetime of the African palm civet, the Negotiable Instruments Act, 1881. Anything. You know every part. Exactly like consuming.
Be a man
Go on, sneak out of your home. Stand on the road nook. Take a lengthy, satisfying whizz. Attempt making an infinity signal on the wall. Sing an previous Kishore Kumar music in Sirkazhi Govindarajan’s voice, off-key, with made-up lyrics. Threaten the lone bicycle owner on the highway. Ask him if he is aware of who your father is. If he doesn’t, name your dad on the cellphone and introduce him to the bicycle owner. Ask your father if he is aware of who you’re. Feel like a man. Exactly like consuming.
Fill up that vacant bottle of Dalwhinnie, the one your uncle introduced you from his journey to Spain three months in the past, with tea. Put some ice in a glass. There isn’t any disgrace in having a single malt with ice. Take a pic. Post it on FB. Have all your folks say ‘You’re the person’ in your put up. Get 432 likes. Go to mattress weeping about how depressing your life is. Exactly like consuming.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written 4 books and edited an anthology.